You know I want you
I laid on the ground and I grant myself freedom. I grant myself freedom to breath, to breath to breath. Do I suck it up to keep the peace? Or do I just spill it all. The truth within every word. There are moments of unconsciousness and there are moments of release and there’s moments of full bodied remembering. Remembering what love to its fullest extent feels like. To be full and entirely enveloped in love. Pure, unrestrained, unconditional love. I pulled the sadness over my head like a scarf to keep me safe. For opening my heart again could lead to future fractures or breaks. Though the succulence and the fullness and the vibrancy of the heart opened wide is entirely where I would like to reside. It’s this energy of remembering. Of knowing the full scope. How painful it is, how jarring and bruised. I would sit in a room with the love of my dreams and hardly say a word. I would sit and I would watch and I wouldn’t let them know what it is that I felt. For within me I felt incomplete and unable to really fully truly share. Emotions as deep as caverns, I would stare and I would stare and I would stare but I wouldn’t utter a word. Expecting them to simply know. Expecting them to respond. To help me, to see me, to guide me through. I felt trapped. Between a rock and a hard place. Eternally in a space of limbo. And then, out of the blue, I would listen and I would breathe and I would be so present within my body that I would let the love in and I would be held and I would be carried and I would remember what it means to be supported, what it means to be held and that a partnership is a dance of two. It’s not some solo experience, it is a balance. A yin and a yang. It is the fertile darkness and the expansive light, it is everything and all that’s in between.
Yet how could I trust? How could I open up again? When one single drop of such divinity holds the power to move mountains and transform all life. The entire trajectory of one’s path. To refocus in. To refocus on what’s important, what’s right, what’s true. Because that feeling is something that cannot be replicated or curated or thought into creation. It is simply felt and it is known. It is all that there is. It is the reason why we live, it is the reason why we go forth. It is the reason why we open ourselves up to the potential for pain and the promise of beauty. It’s for the feeling. That feeling of falling falling falling into someone. Into the one. The one who holds you, who knows you like your soul does. It goes beyond time, it expands beyond space. It is present and oh so gradual and graceful and real. It’s the laying on the earth and the drop into the unknown. The great opening into the treasure, the expanse with another. It’s the thing that nothing or no one can ever take away. It’s the reason why we devote. It’s the reason why we choose. It’s the reason why we strive and yearn and know that there is always something more until we feel it. Until we taste it, until it envelops us and encompasses us in its magic and beauty and light and it’s so potent and prevalent and it’s so entirely there. So good a thing that it must not even be real, right? But it is, it’s as real as your breath, it’s as real as your eyes, it’s as real as your heart. Steady as a war drum. Brave as the sun. It’s entirely vulnerable, completely raw. Nothing can be hidden from sight. It’s the power to say I will do everything in my power to devote to you in order to feel this feeling more. In order to make you safe, in order to provide for you, in order to ensure that this feeling will be given and shared and cultivated forever with you.
It’s the heart out of one’s chest, it’s allowing another to hold it for some time. It’s the complete surrender into trust. Knowing that all is held. All is guided. All is cared for, eternally.
