Settle in, settle in
Settle into all it is that you are. How the darkness has fangs and claws and horns. The darkness has sharp edges and an unpredictably to it. The darkness does not wait for you to respond, it simply asks for you to be present. To be grounded. To be centered and to be clear within it. The darkness that you sometimes wish to just get through, to endure. To get to the other side of. What if instead, you spoke to it? What if you allowed the knowledge that you have obtained to transform into wisdom?
Why is it that I kept my friends just far enough away so they wouldn’t see the depths of me? Is it because I was afraid that if they so did, If I saw it within them, that I wouldn’t let them near? That I’d hold them at arms length? That I’d love them so deep and then never return? Just as all those, most of those that have gotten so so so near and dear to me have felt: the sharp pangs of a scorpions tail when the fear has gotten too hot. When the creature within didn’t know how to hold back on the lashing out that it struck, leaving those around defenseless and wide eyed. Confused, bewildered, and left alone in the dark as I slithered away. Unsure of what to do. Is that why I kept them away? So that they wouldn’t have to endure the potential of the pain, the potential of the pain that only those close close close to me have seen? Like my family, how they endlessly endured the unconscious sting of a broken hearted girl growing into herself. Others have seen it too, those I spoke of and decided to be my chosen family. How I spoke of weaving my web and catching my prey within it. A fear struck them deep. I didn’t know what to do other than just watch, for it was true. Is there ever such thing as positive manipulation? I was asked the other day, in reference to me. A question I have to now consider. Is what I’ve done in the dark something that can ever be forgiven, if it’s something that I didn’t even know I was doing?
I hear that wisdom is taking oneself out of the good vs evil and the right vs wrong, yet inside, inside don’t we know something so entirely and completely different? That there are forces that are here to control and dominate and leech and there are forces that give back and protect and share. I wish to be on the latter side, the ones that choose to live each moment with conscience awareness and generosity and love. Isn’t that what God is? The pure love of all? Is that what wisdom is? Seeing and understanding it all and choosing love, choosing compassion, choosing grace. Knowing that all parts and all sides and all aspects of me are worthy and deserving and none need to be shunned or pushed out of the light.
I think that’s what it all means, to love all things unconditionally. It’s easy to say and it’s easy to proclaim but to practice it and to live it, when faced with much hatred and confusion and unsureness is another story. It’s one that I hope to write, with grace and with love. To be a beacon so strong and so bright and so clear that all hatred and fear is stunned and rendered useless in its tracks. Isn’t that the whole thing? Love over fear. Not that good or evil is better or worse, but rather the ability to love and hold love and see through the lens of love within it all. Knowing that all aspects and parts of ourselves are valuable and true.’
It’s been much time since I last lashed out and stung with the sharp venomous edge. It’s been a long time since the unconscious within me caused harm that I could not come back from, onto my outer world. Yet, yet, that part still exists and still is around, she slithers in the darkness, she hides behind the iPad screen that I write upon. She has held back from getting too damn close because what if that indivisible line in the sand is crossed and she will no longer back able to hold back, hold back, hold back like she’s been taught. Like she’s taught herself. She no longer feels the need to come out so much, for practiced patience and presence has become the norm. She witnesses and observes and sees from behind bright eyes, though when she’s in the drivers seat the eyes get narrow and dark. She just wants to be heard. Wants to be understood. To be known that she is powerful and that she will defend and she is here to keep the precious jewel of my heart safe. I remind her that to open my heart, to go against the grain of what all the conditioning and stories have told me is how we work our magic, how we enact our resistance. That the words and actions of others cannot truly keep us down, for we are growing and we are healing and we are riding the wave of love that always brings us through to the other side. To the side of peace. Through patience, through presence, with my heart, not leaving, I allow her to be heard, I allow her to settle. To settle in, to settle in. There’s nothing to fear here, all is safe, all is well. All is alright. With the bright hearts radiance as our light, we have no thing to fear.
We are safe to witness, to observe, to just be, to just be. With all that is, it’s safe to just be.
This is alchemy.
