Finding what’s right again
Finally finding what’s right. It’s something that helps to set my jaw in place, it’s something that helps me to relax. It’s prayers out to my angels: thank you angels for helping me to feel safe, thank you angels for helping them to feel safe. Thank you angels for guiding and holding and supporting us within everything. Thank you for helping all that is shared and created and released to be done in the highest truth, light, and love, and may it help bring healing to all parts of ourselves and our cells and our realities. Thank you angels for protecting us all and keep us safe and aligned in our highest truth.
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I feel a condensing energy, like my skull is being crushed in. There are memories of being a kid, driving with the windows down. The warm air of a summers night through the car windows. A song plays that reminds me of potential and freedom and shared understanding with another that I know. Yet still the lingering feeling of something deeper that’s missing, is this all that there is? There has to be something more.
My body twists and conforms into some other shape. Trying to grasp onto something that has already left me, something that was here and now is gone. I silently yearn for the times that I’ll be alone again so that I can go deeper deeper deeper into myself and tap into the ever present pool of eternal waters. The thing that I pull from down deep below. That spring of freshness that never runs out. It’s clear and it’s bright and it’s full of dreams and I wish to cry when I imagine it not being there, when I imagine it being blocked or running out, though the truth is that it will never run dry, for that pool is the waters of my life. My womb, my sacred well. It’s what I am here to dive into over and over and over and over again. And it’s not meant to stay deeply buried beneath the surface. It’s meant to be full and overflowing and plentiful in its riches. The riches that I share with all those around me. It’s brimming with life, it’s overflowing in its majesty. It’s pure magic and it’s full of ecstasy and brilliance and bliss, and no thing or no one can ever take it from me.
I cry this truth out of me through full wet tears, snot runs out of my nose and I keep wondering what is it that I am missing? Why not just lean in lean in lean into it at all times, when the air feels thick with sorrow. When the sky has gone dark with smoke, when all that exists is the life that builds and comes forth from within. Why not lean into this paradise within? Why not?! If this is the only sanctuary we can truly feel within a world weak in the knees. The thing that holds the nectar of the gods and the sacred ambrosia of plenty.
Nothing else seems to suffice so I shall get high off my own supply. The pendulum seems to swing from one side to the next to the next. From the deep ache and sorrow, the necessity of living so entirely present within each moment as to make the most importance of each move, into something brighter and lighter that lifts my feet up and off the ground, I know that I need to hold the middle ground between the two, I know that I need to know sorrow and heartache with so much presence and so much awareness and so much openness and love, and too I need to meet lightness and softness and overflowing joy with a grounded connection to my body and this earthly realm.
I went so far to one side, calling others the devil and cursing their name, to swing right back around and fall on my own knees to kiss their feet with sacredness. I witnessed the evil, the unconsciousness within others and ran as far as I could to get away, for I felt afraid of what I saw in the mirror. And now, the promise of something lighter and clearer. Like candy, it doesn’t fill me up. It’s a temporary satisfaction for a soul that needs nutrition. A soul that needs something hearty and warm and full of prayer, something of the heart, something fit to sustain for the long haul. Something that will give me energy throughout the winter months and bring me new life in spring. Something that seems like more than just a dream, something full and grounded within truth. This is what I know I need.
So, I will give and I will give and I will show up clear and strong and true. I will allow my tears to fall. I will allow my feet to stay upon the earth. I will allow myself to be supported. I will allow myself to be loved. Yet still, still, underneath it all my soul calls out… “there has to be more!” And the more will always come for I will never get away from the water, for the water is who I am.
With patience and presence I go forth.
