What’s the payout?
How much to sell your soul? And when will it end? When will the clarity and the kindness and the grounded compassion come through and why is it all so tricky?
To be the one serving up the reminder. The cold bite of the wind and the tears fall and yes, I know it, I feel it, that slight undertone of the current and the desire for connection, for marriage, for love and oh how the time has slipped away and finally a father has called after years of being away and so i cry for you. I cry for you not from pity but from understanding and resonance, because I know and I feel it too. And I understand and the questions: when will the suffering end? When is it that we reach the edge of the bridge, just close enough to feel it shake beneath our feet to know that we have crossed over and through into a new way of being and I feel as though I repeat myself. Over and over and over again, locked inside of some hamster wheel, a space that I have already grown out of so why is it that I am back? Why is it that I am feeling a struggle to get up again, and why is that I carry the familiar weight of isolation within a sea of swarm. SIMULATION. I need not be confined by the suffering anymore.
When I am with others, I feel real and I feel whole and I feel true. I feel like I am somebody and that everything makes sense.
But when the trees told me this morning that I must count my time in peace, and to remember what it feels like to live in the solitude and care of a clear still pond, to feel the calmness of a morning where I have the time to just be. And I wondered if this would all be over soon, or if the ramblings of destruction were old lives being brought back up to be seen and healed. Of if they are what the future has in store. So I sit here and I cry, and I don’t get out of my car, but instead I cry and I will go find a tree to lean against very soon but for now I just sit and I cry. At the end yet almost fully on the other side of the bridge. If it were to go down I would go down with it so I cry. And I cry and I cry and I don’t fully know why but I can’t keep it in anymore. Because I have finally found friends that truly know me and I am reminded of what it feels like to be married. What maybe I imagine it to mean. Someone to fall back to, someone to know has got you, when others approach you at the bar you say “no, I am safe, I am taken, I have someone” and from this space no one can make you do anything you do not wish to do, or no one can come onto you if you have the security of another, even in the back of your mind.
I’m sorry, for that is what I have used you as. The security within the back of my mind. Security to say I am safe, and no one can hurt me if I have another, a widow in spirit. No one can take me away.
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Last time I crossed this bridge and thought in similar ways, was a while back, 8 months or more, for now I cross it everyday. Back then I looked into my eyes and they switched and they shone and all that I heard was to flee. To flee and to get out and to go, and I followed it until I couldn’t anymore. The lives once lived coming up to the surface in memory and sensation and feeling and energy, I am everything yet in this moment my skin is pink and my hair shines golden brown and I cry and I cry and I cry on this bridge to nowhere, the one over the river. It’s shallow this season. A spider falls out of my hair with the help of my hands.
Your sign drives by, a ring is on my finger and it made me feel safe to have there, though maybe just a prop in the play. My nose is full of snot and makes a crackly sound as I breathe. I could get out or I could just be. The tears have ceased and you never cease to amaze me, we’re crossing the bridge into infinity.
Wooly and white and lives in the snow, I did my best to not put on a show, but to live real and true and authentic. The ring feels like the ideas of another, how easily they can be swayed. I wish that you had stayed, though do I want you by my side when the sun is bright and high? When I imagine me flying in the sky, past the tallest of pines, alive oh so alive, I feel as though I want you to rise.
And move like the water.
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I climb beaneath the bridge
“You know where to find me and I know where to look”
And I think about moving out of my comfort zone, yet I don’t know if I really want to. I wanna eat some soup or a sandwich and curl up and hide away from all the things of the world. The water appears to move backwards. Come hell or high water, yet the stream runs so low; will the salmon even know where to go? Will I know? Do I know?
Am I running in circles or am I cleaning up the mess? Am I creating it? Is this some sort of test to get me to open up and to receive the truth of my divinity? and so I begin to weep again, for I know. As I know the more I know, as I stay connected the more I understand and it feels like so much but I also know that I am strong and I am brave and I am courageous and people are kind and we are all in it together and we need not be afraid anymore. And the more I get it out, the more space that opens up for love, for pure love and for real joy and for remembering and for knowing that I am the love and that it is safe to let go.
I am loved, and I am held and I am accepted and those that love me and want to be near me walk by my side. The animals and the creatures and the humans and the bugs and the microbes, all the plants, and I am not afraid of falling for I know all is well and I know how to fly. I am bright and I am strong even with dirt over my back. I am clear and I am love and I came here for a reason and what I am here to do I will never get back, for it is destiny after all. It is destiny after all and it requires courage and strength and a willingness to let go, to allow spirit to guide the way.
I know that one day the gift will be for me and in this I remember that every breath in and every exhale out is the divine blessing that I have always sought for. This is my unwavering connection to love. A raccoon out of hiding with deep streaks of eyeliner running out its eyes. Trash panda I have found my way back home. It’s written in these rhymes, it’s some sort of poem. And the animals know to surrender and to let it all go, and so I do too, and I just want you to know:
That I love you, and you are true. You are perfect and you are brilliant and you are an angel. You are incredible and you are magnificent and you are so dang beautiful. You change the earth beneath your feet through what it is that you share with us, you are the revolutionary, you are the change maker, your curiosity changes the course of history into the true Golden Age of Light. You are the one who is making the moves and sowing the seeds, through following your path and breathing your destiny. From up close or from afar you are a bright brilliant star and you are changing all things as they are.
The simulation we once knew falls back into the stew and dissolves into goo. For you to be reborn as a bright and clear tree frog. The new world is being born through your being, and this is your oath and this is my why. This is how we unite and hold up the sky. A whole energy shifts with a smile and I see. This is your path, this is your destiny.
Walk with me, Go forth, fly high, and dance free.
I love you
