Peonies

When the sun goes down and the moon fills the sky overhead, I hear messages about the balance of light and dark. How filled up my mind became, how many thoughts I had to sort through, to what? To get to the core of the earth. What it’s all for, this deep grounding of the heart, into love, into connection into familial understanding and care. The kinda love that is so present and prevalent from the time we are babies. Yet not the story for every body. How can love exist within a world where babies are born yet not wanted? Sent away, what kinda ‘God’ would create this?

I question this revolution. This one inside. What really are angels for? What ‘lord’ above? I ask and I pry because why would any of this exist to begin with? Why would any of us choose lives of suffering, I know to understand in some way, yet why? If we are of ‘God’ then don’t we already know? Don’t we already understand?

Why is there something that is above us, something higher, something more intelligent that we are just resting in the palm of? How can we ever really find a way through? Or is the grief that colors my vision the spout that I’m drinking from?

Keep the children protected, in a world gone so cruel and so dark and so torturous. Keep the souls and the minds and the hearts of all beings safe. Keep them held and cradled within the love of something ‘greater’ yet to even say that feels like a curse for questioning. For why would we just need to pray and pray and pray and pray and then all of a sudden it’s all going to be changed? Why are some ‘above’ and others ‘below’? What is it all for? I question over and over and over and over and over again.

Why must we keep on trying, to one day serve something ‘higher’? When there is so much around… how do we get out of it? Am I just not seeing clearly? What is it that I need to know? What can I trust within when everything feels foreign? Other than the heart inside my body and the earth beneath my feet and my breath. What more is there for me?

Yes there’s death, the bottom card of my deck today, the energy that lives so loud within the subconscious. But then what? Dissolve back into some formless ‘one’? Great big ball of energy and creation? To what end? To just be born again? Try again next time?

What can we believe in? With a heart that’s been shattered, or so I’ve been told, what really is it for? If I’ll just come back again next time, and then next time, and then next time and do it all again. These questions come from my time long long ago, back again to make their rounds.

What angels would want us to clean up the realms for them? How is that truly something of love? To cast out demons to embrace some existence that fills the senses with brightness, is this all some kind of drug? Something from the realms above that fills us with complacency, a desire to keep going, to do the work for them? Yes, goddamn it feels good, it feels like breathing again, it feels like living, but once I get up so high I start to question, to wonder, what about all that exists within the realms below, what about the fire filled places, and the dark caverns, aren’t the beings down there lonesome? Am I nuts? Or just projecting something onto creatures that don’t even think of things like this, that live simply to live, that do not need to be changed, just left to their own devices.

I question destiny, because it feels like some spoon fed idea that there’s an unknown path for me out there that will give me the answers that I need. I question all of these cards and these prayers because isn’t it all just a feedback loop of my own mind? These signs that present themselves so clear, the ones I push past and blow through. Because if it’s not for me, then it will simply fall away.

All that I question, when I feel as though nothing is truly trustworthy around, when the sky is dark out. Is this the beginning of the breadcrumbs of my internal revolution? I do not travel the beaten path, yet what of traveling a path so beyond anything that’s ever been known? Can we really trust the ‘masters’? Why are we taking instructions from those outside of us?

What was there to hold onto when there was nothing else around? When everything was dark and no light could penetrate though? All that there was was my body in space. My steady beating heart. And the light that I envisioned there. Surrounded by seas of pain, of sorrow, of nothingness, all that was there was the single spark that was within, oftentimes burning out entirely, other times coming back, slow and pulsating. All that there was this light. This single breath, this individual hope within.

I read books of lands and stories that ended without hope and I ate them up like candy. They tell us that what feels good is what is good for us, on a soul level, yet when I read these, over and over and over and over again, it felt good, in some masochistic way. To have the ache rubbed. The sore muscles stretched, to finally feel like some part of me was understood. Though that part was desolate and yearning and knew that maybe the cup just never could be filled and love never really would win.

I wondered how we can break out of this system while still inside of it; why are any of us more or less important than any others?

Ego vs. soul, it feels like another spoon fed concerto. I see light, I feel love when I smile at a passing by person and they smile back. A deep deep ache back in the farthest reaches of my chest starts to soften. Though it also hurts. I don’t crave death so much anymore, if even for just a moment.

Light starts to fill the sky, it stretches golden beams across the face of a man in front of me. This warmth that fills our homes and our bodies and our cells, day after day, without fail, the sun always rises and within it we can bask. Out from under the cover of darkness, I ask and I wonder, is this light, the beams of the sun what we are here for? Is this what makes life worth living?

Yes, we can have children, the great blessings of this life, yet does this keep us trapped within this system? Of death and rebirth and the wheel that never seems to stop turning?

Can I still see clearly without being blinded by the light? Without getting lost in its glory? Is the soul deep ache within my body really just a gift that’s helping me to stay present and aware within any realm that I find myself in? Light or dark or all the places in between, will life ever start to change? Or is this where I shall reside, until I die, until I stop questioning, until I stop blowing through the stop signs and instead just comply? My grandfathers name is Gray, and gray is within my blood. To exist within all the spaces in between with love or awareness or presence or whatever it is. To just be and know that it all exists in these spaces. Light and dark blended into one, many different shades. I do not comply with any system of discrimination, to any being, deeming something as better or less than. A angel being more than a demon. Think about what gives and what takes, what creates and what destroys? And in this I think of the earth, great mother, she who does both without question. The gray matter of the goddess.

I see alligator boots in front of me underneath the table, all a feedback loop I remind myself. I’ll just keep breathing until it all starts to make sense, yet that too feels like something worth questioning, I could sleep, or I could keep pushing towards the edge. The ledge, the limit. Until my bones give out and my body gives in and finally, fully, I can return to ash and dust. Back again, at home within the great earth. Finally at peace once more. Back into the creation I dissolve.