Of breath and stone
Rock and earth. Roots and networks and deep deep deep listening. There once was a time where I questioned, always demanded more of myself, always asked myself the questions “am I listening enough?” Without giving my body any time or space to respond. These days seem long gone now, dissolved like the skin of a snake made into some new boots, killing the whole snake entirely, creating something fit for man to wear, yet a breaking of the heart to waste a life so easily without regard. I appear in showrooms with a persona of coolness, of composure, of love, yet once I really let go, in the time I get alone, I finally begin to understand all that dwells and festers and thrives beneath the surface of my privileged skin. Why it felt difficult to keep it all together when I put my makeup on in the mirror, how could I understand myself as a being of love, when I exist within a world of such universal cruelty? When pain is a constant, and I eat salami from the fridge in two bites without any thought. No recognition, barely any appreciation until hindsight brings it in like a horse on a storm cloud. Booming over the horizon line, I peel back the layers on myself to try and dig deeper into my heart. To get to the ‘good stuff’ the real meat that’s on the bones. What really is here?
It feels both hollow and complex and revealing and grim. That’s why there’s the phones and advertisements and the ability to buy buy buy anything it is that you need at any moment, to dull the ache of disconnection. I sit on a white sofa aware and cruel, my fangs would glisten if I let myself smile. Like a sore thumb I wear dark clothes, the attire of a raven, like the thin celebrity on stage, hollow to the core. Questions and analysis: is she even happy? What fills her up? Yet here I sit as I tear myself apart. Whole and entirely complete I know that this is what I can handle. All is bright around me, all is bright and well for all the surrounds are those that do not wish to dive down, to meet themselves in the mirror, and in this reflection, I see my own eyes staring back to me and I beg, upon hands and knees. I ask and I plead: why? Why! Why!? Why must it be this way? Why can I not love easily, why can I not just let the light in? Why can I not just appreciate and love and respect the beauty and the darkness and all that exists in between, why can I not just let it in? To know that I am worthy!
I lean into compassion, into understanding, into love and my breath. I know that all is okay and all will be okay, yet what bandaid is this covering? What bruises of mine need to be known? For it’s all upon the surface now. I no longer feel the pull of sleep, to disappear into some other world, all I feel is the heaviness upon my chest. The weight of living I guess, or whoever else it is. I know that I must let go, I must keep breathing, that my soul will guide me through. I am sorry for not holding up a true reflection of respect within each moment, to my body, to others, to the listening and attentive ears. I know that I must simply keep breathing into my heart and the love will guide the way through.
I repeat a mantra to myself: I am worthy. I am worthy of love, and I am worthy of care and I am worthy of respect. I am worthy of all the beauty and all the love that my life has to offer me, and I see it all clearly and with ease now. I let myself surrender into the calm presence of divine love, of divine support, of divine guidance. It is safe to receive and I let myself feel now. It is safe to let go. It is safe to feel. It is safe to be supported and I allow the universe, the great spirit, the divine mother to help me. I am worthy of divine assistance, and I gradually and grateful accept this help now. My emotions move through me with ease. I forgive easily, thank you angels for helping me to let go, to trust, and to open up to the truth that lives within me. It is safe, I am safe, I am held, all is well.
All is well, all is well.
I recognize all of this as a reflection of the truth that lives within me and also as the truth that resides within those that surround me. Breathing becomes difficult, and in need of conscious work. Just to feel the rise and the fall of the chest. The heart that beats so steady and so forgiving underneath. All that we need to do is to feel. To let the heart do its magical and healing work for us. To forgive ourselves, to forgive each other, to understand our bodies and our souls. What is it that we have been holding onto and what can we now let go of? Can you let your tears fall easily? Can you let yourself go, relax back into the hands that are here to hold, and truly surrender? Can you breathe your way through this? Settle your heart and your soul. Settle now child, settle, settle, settle in. You are safe. All is well, all is alright and there’s nothing that you need to worry about anymore, you are forgiven, you are held. You are forgiven. You are entirely whole, and already complete. You have nothing to earn and nothing to prove and nothing to worry about, nothing you need to achieve and nothing to accomplish, other than to breathe, to breathe and to breathe and to breathe, and to let your heart open up. All is well. All is well child. All is well.
I love you. All is well.
