And so I weep
And let the feelings pour forth from me like fresh lemonade into a glass. To be drunk, sweet and tart and perfectly refreshing. And so I weep, yet no tears seem to empty from my eyes. I laid on the earth today, I slept for an hour or two. When I awoke I felt so whole, for a few moments at least, it all made sense. The pain was gone, the mind games and tricks, the fighting, the war inside. It no longer existed, it no longer held any weight within me, for within me I knew. I talked to you down in that space beneath the soil, where my heart lays itself to rest, where grief finally allows itself to be expressed. I talked to you through the networks of roots and stone and deep deep earth. We spoke of something I can’t quite fully remember, yet I know that for a few moments, once again, we spoke, and everything was right in the world again. My body was heavy yet full. I noticed loved shared between partners off in the grass, quiet understandings exchanged, nothing had to be forced. The trees encouraged me to rise, and the sun woke me to prevent my skin from being burned. I let the earth take over my cells, my heart, my breathing, I gave my full self over to her and in those short few hours, everything changed. Everything changed, and I was renewed.
Gone were the moments of shoving away, of trying so hard to scramble to the top to maybe be able to no longer have to feel. Gone were the comparisons of this to that, me vs you, us against one another. Or my mind against my heart. In those few bliss filled moments, everything made sense. A quiet life, one dedicated to learning, to care, to true surrender, to love. In those moments, it all fell into place. Yet, once I rose, I chose to put all that behind me, to pretend it hadn’t occurred, but running under the surface, a steady smooth current of understanding lingered. A river of support, of true care, of the dreams we’ve always wished to come true, finally, gently, appearing on the surface of the earth like the fresh buds of spring. Poking their green noses up to the shining sun, ready to grow into who they are, eager, yet unhurried. They blossom. The mind locked within a winter storm, I got to work, I shoveled and moved rocks and cut down my first tree, and didn’t feel that much of anything, other than apologies, a clear sign that I’d disconnected from my truest essence, no matter how hard I was trying to hold on.
How could any of this be true, how could a love so bright and strong and so understanding be possible when there’s a sea full of other fish? When there’s others that hold your face in their hands and your heart on a leash and you sit down like a dog that’s been beaten and obey. How could anything beyond this exist? How could we, I, you, ever find something that prospers beyond these walls? I know I must believe while also letting it be. Letting it all go. A torturous paradox that binds my arms and knees. I dance to break myself free. Feel the joy of love that pours straight out of me.
I pray to be sovereign, and as I transform this story into words, I feel it. Layer by layer, I dip deeper into the wells of understanding. Of compassion, of remembering. And up from the depths I pull myself up. For there is work to be done, and I must remain strong. I know I am almost there, almost somewhere, yet always and already here. Where am I again? Where is it that I am going?
