When things feel empty.
The void has stretched itself long and thick. Floating like a fish through an endless abyss. No ground beneath my feet, no light above my head. I float and I float and I float. I’ve discovered more about this place, and still I try and come back to love within every moment, for without it, what am I really doing here at all? Yet the questions begin to surface… what is it really all for? Why must we go on? A jellyfish who lives their entire life suspended in space. Yet this is what they were created for. This is what they chose for their lives to be. Not on the bottom of the sea floor, with the sediment and the fallen ships and the sharks with 6 gills, not in the sanctuary’s of the deep sea where hot earth gases are released creating a cohabiting space for all different kinds of life, not on the surface of the waves where storms move the water and currents rip through causing consistent motion. Not in any of these spaces. Only in the abyss. Where darkness is all these creatures know, with their main goal in life being to blend in as to not be eaten. They’ve learned elaborate disguises, creating themselves invisible to prey. I wonder about them there, all too often it seems. For shouldn’t I be participating in life amongst the living, devoting time to people my age, being apart of the culture at large?
Curiosity pulls me deeper, and I watch and observe within this quiet (yet loud, for sound travels 4 times faster underwater) void. It’s peaceful down here, creatures have learned and evolved themselves to simply move and float and swim amidst a sea of nothingness for lifetimes. Some immortal, older than any creature we have ever known, they create sanctuaries for themselves within their own bodies. Solitary, some reproduce with themselves.
I look down at my phone, a notification from this morning at 10:27 am shines its way through “you are ready to embark on a quest. It will be a lonely lonely adventure”. Upon first glance I shunned it away, why must I always go into these unknown spaces alone? Can I not have a friend to travel with me?
Why is my curiosity calling me? What part of life wishes to be seen that hasn’t yet been seen before? What aspect of me or another yearns to finally be known? The fire within my belly grows. This adventure, this mission now has a purpose, and it’s to discover. I swim forward, following the golden trial of my souls intrigue, yet nothing directly appears. Do I have the eyes to see it yet? What even is out there? I slow down in the race, decide to take it slower. I remind myself that I will have the eyes to see and the ears to hear and the sense that I need to perceive all that is here for me when what is right for me is in front of me. It’s wordy but it’s true, for nothing will pass me by. My body will know and my senses will open and my heart will feel its nature and light filled expanse. Color appears back into my view and the sun opens up at my back, I didn’t know there was a sun down here in the void. I hear it to be an angel, shining its bright light and wings behind me. Gabriel? St. Germain? Neither feel right, but now sun is pouring in through my windows and light is filling my space, something right must be happening, whatever has pulled me forward has lit the way entirely. What is here for me to discover? Who is this great being of light protecting and communicating to me from my back? I look down in front of me and I see the words “forgive yourself”. I wonder if I take the wrong routes, will this light dissolve? Will it disappear? Has my excitement extinguished the flame of my sovereignty? The angel of the night at my back speaks “we are one, my child, the light rises within you as it rises within us all. To discover and explore the spaces unknown to humanity with the courage and open heartedness that you have shown is a feat that is not being overlooked, your bravery and dedicating to living as a being of love amidst such a tumultuous time for your people is a feat of great honor. Receive my blessings and we shall live eternally in peace”
I do dear angel of the night. I recieve your powerful love, your grace, your peace and your protection. I feel you within my cells, within my skin as it sings. I feel it as it vibrates and lights up, as if each cell is rejoicing in complete harmony and bliss. It comes through my back and my center and forward through me. My heart feels light, my eyes feel bright and piercing. And all the pains that seemed to taint the past seem to find their release amidst your blessing. I wonder how I can let this all go, and open myself up more to recieve. Am I worthy? I ask myself, though as my gentle heart weeps I know that I am. Am I just playing a game? Or is this all real?
Who is this sacred being of the night? This blessed angel of light amidst complete and utter darkness. I feel you at my back as each of my cells tingle and rejoice. I ask for strong boundaries to what doesn’t serve me as I lean back into this all loving embrace. How powerful it feels, can I really let go? I am worthy, I am. I breathe this knowing into all of my cells, I feel it throughout my spine. My whole body. I am worthy I am worthy I am worthy I speak out, and in these deep exhales I know this to be true for I feel it all within me, my life lights up and I feel at home again.
I will continue to explore these feelings knowing how sacred this is. Knowing how entirely precious these moments are yet never doubting their significance or power. For these things will never disappear, it will only keep growing, for the angel of the night now lives within my body, moves its way through my being, safe, and savoring life. Sovereign and whole this is completion, this is love to its core and deepest depths, this is the root of all life and the death of all that once was. This is harmony, this is bliss, this is the entirety of what we are and this is the truth that will never be missed. With the angel of the night within my heart, I know that I am safe to explore, traverse, and enjoy all parts of my life, that no realm is too dark, too deep, too undiscoverable. That all parts of my life now have their wholeness and their completion and all that’s left for me is to rise to each moment and choose what feels like fun, and go forth in the direction of it, like a flaming horse ready to explore the wild world of spirit.
