Tell me what you mean
I know that I must hold more patience for myself. There’s that distant off future, some castle in the sky full of Pegasus and magic and wands of light created from courage and hope and love. There’s a distant journey, some excursion that needs to be undertaken in order to get there. I ask for boundaries, I ask for p[protection and I trust that it’s simply granted and gifted. But oh, what of the sleep? The desire to rest, rest, rest deep. Deep deep deep rest. For the dreams are so full to the brim with confrontation, with work, with navigation. There’s places to explore. I trust them to be clearings, getting the past out from out of me so that I may embrace the present. I was told in a message “you must let go in order to have what you want” spoken from the mouth of someone of the past, a charged reminder that even interacting with in dream realm sent all of my senses into overdrive. Waking up at the confrontation. Clinging, holding, trying to keep it all together. There’s joy in the air. I just wanted to hold the peace. There’s music in the waves, they are songs of the past. The past wants to be released yet it surrounds me in the present.
These ocean eyes and songs created in my name, Lumi, like the calm of waves at dawn and dusk. A bossanova improvisational prayer in a coffee shop called love. There’s love all around, yet oh, I crave rest. Deep and total and full rest. The deep sleep I have always been craving, the flow of wild wolves can stir the soul. And so, and so, I choose, I decide to let go. I keep the containment at the center, saving enough for me. My roots deeply planted. They earth as my support, the one who holds me in place. The old me vs the new me meet in the center of this moment. Whole, I am whole as I am.
What simplicity is all around, a woman going to get coffee with her mom. Just following conversations of self harm, direct confrontations in front of strangers. The memories you have shared with me, your own mom stepping over the line to invade in your space, how you were left tangled and confused and alone. All I could do was watch, touch your shin, and let you know that you are not alone. A portal through the dreams into the depths of a broken heart. Into places where the depth of wounds began their festering growth. Until the separation occurred, yet too, from this newfound empowerment, so too comes the mending. The choice to rise up above the pain, the wounds, the heartache caused by another and to say, “I choose to forgive you” this healing will take all the time that it needs but I do not want to e on that old path we were on. I, as an empowered individual, choose a different path. One where hopefully, when the circumstances are right, if both of us are willing and able, we can mend. We can find a newfound connection. This does not ignore the pain of the past, and it is certainly does not pretend that it didn’t happen, but instead it chooses a new route. A route of humility, of humble listening, and of choosing to go forth hand in hand. With forgiveness and patience along the path of healing. Of coming together, knowing that we are so much stronger united than we are divided. It chooses true care. Some days the wounds may present themselves more strongly, and we will mend. We will sit with it and hold it and be present with it to the best of our abilities, we will give to the the other what it is that they need, what we couldn’t have given in the past but now can with our newfound desire to live as heart led beings. And other days, the old ways may come up again, but with presence and care for ourselves we will hold us in the light of love, and remember the true way forward. The true way to heal our own wounds so we can tend to those of others.
Through patience, through care, through forgiveness. Through choosing to rise out of the circumstances for just long enough to see from a different perspective. To choose the route that serves ourselves in the long term, that serves all others in the long term. That honors ourselves. Our past selves, our ancestors, our future generations. All those that surround us and will leave and enter into our lives for the rest of eternity. Love is the way. Patience is the way. Letting go of the past in its own way. Not to ignore but to heal. To tend to, and to know we are no longer living within those old wounds, so we do not need for them to paint our lives.
I love you
