This is what I feel
This is what I feel
The moon and some peace. I am here in this sweet retreat. This great upcoming of the truth into the light the silence of the day. And the grateful peace of the night. The ease into safety. The delight of the day. The gentle breathing and the peace that finds its way. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe your way true. Breathe Into your belly and see the way through.
You are safe. The salt will enrich the taste. Good for the baby.
Guardian angels protect me.
Ivory does not bleed. Flesh does
A smile that feeds the cold earth
A part of the universe hollowed out
Birth is not in our hands
It’s in Gods hands
To deliver miracles
Ignite divine spark in the students minds
We embrace the deaths within that need to come
How to teach what is impossible
Following the chi
The flow of energy within the body and without.
A hearing not a carnival act
A decision.
To be love. To love love. To live love.
And understanding of all that we are.
The movements of nature, the voice of god
So now I sit here and I write and I write and I write
And what is it that is meant to come forth and out of me?
The being that kept it all under control. That breathed and breathed and breathed and breathed and regulated the whole system of the earth. Of the body. Of the being. Through life. Through breath. Through what it is that really matters most. Because what is it that matters most?
Lock the doors yet let everybody in! Would you be there if I let you in? If I told you that it was safe and I am well and all is ok? Would I let you in? Or am I simply falling into the traps of illusions. Oh how I breathe and breathe and breathe in order to come back to center. In order to feel the fullness. The entirety and the most expansive reaches of my self. I breathe and I breathe so that I can feel the love. So that I can surrender and let it in. The light. The love. Is it all a mad dash made out of something untrue? How do we know what the light is really like unless we feel it. Unless we let it fill us. Unless we let it guide us. A day that flew by yet filled with so many moments of presence. I write and I read in order to hold the line. To walk the path of understanding. To feel the recesses of my body and the most expansive parts of my mind. To feel the emotions. The emptiness and the fullness and everything that’s in between. But how do I know what it is that I am here to hold? When I wish to fall back fall back fall back into myself? Emotions as big as hurricanes, how will you be able to hold me? Will you be able to handle me? For I feel both insignificant and small and entirely big and full at the same moment. An intention set long ago. A desire to pull you close yet what of feeling it all within. Weather the storm. If you’re here or you’re not. They say it’s all just a great big chess game. And love is the answer. The feeling that comes from within. Great big wings and warmth and that light that is soft and golden and white. It is not the stuff that has divided us. The things that tear us apart. Limb from limb like a great creature. A desire to go deeper. To feel it more in full. Yet the madness of the mind or the sparks of something genuine. Something that fills. You say there was something unseen, unspoken, unsaid between us. So let it be said. Let it be heard. Find the patterns in nature. Find the harmony within the wind and the love within. The desire to keep creating. Keep trusting, keep listening. Keep following what lights you up. What ignites the spark. What keeps you smelling like the trees and looking like a great elephant who can feel her family 50 miles off through the earth.
What’s it all for? This love of mine, why endure? Why peel back the layers and bare yourself raw, when it’s easier to hide. Easier to shut it all down and turn off the lights and hide away under the weight of it all. Why turn. Why face the light. Why feel it all. Supporting. Uplifting and lighting the way forward. Why try? when the world seems to be burning and I hear that its all as above and so below. My fault? Or something that I keep saying to push you farther away. To push away the love that you feel for me because I know it and I feel it too. Hiding behind something else. Something that’s not me. Something that will maybe get you to stop and to look the other direction. Something that I’ve created in my mind. Soemthing that my sister says I should analyze, yet my therapist tells me to feel. She tells me that my inner wisdom knows the truth and this I do believe. So why shun and why push away because the truth needs to be made clear. It needs to be said. It needs to be spoken. The respect needs to be mutual. It needs to be upheld on both sides. On both ends. Yet what am I to do?
Just trust? Just let go? Stop pushing and running away and flipping myself blind? Creating a contraption that turns it all Into the stuff of monsters? The devil and the devil and the devil and yeah I can breathe and hold the line and maybe that’s what best so that’s what I’ll do. But inside, I know I must share it for otherwise I will be ripped apart to shreds.
