It gets better.. the better it gets

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. I said how okay I am with discomfort, as if it’s the only thing that I’ve been practicing since the time I was born. What’s it like to dream? What’s it like to pour your heart out into a page for just my eyes? What is it like to move move move so much that there’s never anytime to slow down. To see the possessiveness of a friend, shown in brief glances between baby eyes, all a mirror I am reminded. Is it all my creation? Is it really all my creation? If it is why can’t I build something brighter? Something more beautiful? Through zombie fingers, hands drained of blood, I saw myself as the one who took so I decided to roast myself over the spit and sacrifice.

“They’d take from you, they’d ring you dry, they’d drain all things from you, life force and all” yet what it had been me who had given it. Given so freely too, how could I ever hold back when others are in need? Inspired by the sacrifices of birch within the forest. The sky looked like a simulation so i ran barefoot on hot pavement, avoiding asphalt stones, “ground me back in” I prayed. I prayed to the great mother, help me to remember. And so I got quiet and I began to breathe. I looked at the rows and rows and rows of gravestones, all the same. Are there really any bodies under there? In my minds eye I saw heaps of them. Piled up, a massacre of decomposing flesh, discarded, a commodity. Something to be used and then disposed of. Like plastic coffee cups. It was too sweet anyway, might as well just throw it away, look the other side and see the rows off cars. Another reminder of death. “Don’t say that” I heard, yet why not! Why not face it? Why not look death in the face and say “hey, it’s okay, I am here with you and I am not running away” though its hand is cold and hollow, empty. No life inside, pure void. Is darkness the same as the womb?

I’ve looked into your eyes and seen the same thing and pronounced you ‘beloved’. So void, so void, so void. Void of life and spark and everything, simply empty. Also the space of creation. How can anyone real truly care for themselves, their bodies when all there is is void?

I look into my own eyes and I see such sadness, such pain, such misery, and I felt like I was running from it this week. For the space for giving was required. Constantly in the verge of emptiness, we ran to regain the energy that was lost in the emptying, is that the goal? To ring us dry? Yet this is what we’ve signed up for I am reminded, how could I ever do any of it alone? How could I ever be with anyone again? How did I continue to keep holding onto hope? It’s as if it’s built within my bones. It’s infused into the very essence of my being. To keep going, to get up and try again, to not back down. Relentless in the pursuit of truth, ruthless in the name of justice. Would you believe me if I told you this true?

You shine so bright yet do you ever let yourself turn blue? Cold from swimming for too long yet too stubborn to get out of the water. Patience is the only force that truly has gotten us through. I always yearned for another person, another being to fill me up. To hold me, to understand me, to show me, to bring me to where it is that I need to go, to lean on, to depend upon. I always thought another was the answer, yet no one ever could. There was temporary pleasures, there was patient and sometimes quick bursts, yet what does it really mean to build something? When it’s all up in the air? When it’s just one moment to the next to the next, trying to find something to latch onto? When all that there is is nothing. Void, void, void, and then I know there will be something after. There’s gotta be, this is the pattern after all. The space of nothingness behind everything, the emptiness, the fullness. What is meaningful and what is not?

The greatest, most potent medicine is the energy that we cultivate inside. To hold oneself up and out of the water for long enough to keep a friendship light. And a grounded dip into the pool at night. I see you, I know you, I see your shadows, I see how you hold the light, and goddamn I love you.

I was ‘dirty’ before, constantly trying to get clean. Wanting to impress, to make myself seen. To be okay with all that is and where I’m at and to stay bright. I’d stay bright for you, yet what if I couldn’t? How do we really dream within the light? I know it is our guiding force, the ink and the power and the energy and love. It’s the heart, it’s always the heart. And it tells me to let go. Allow yourself to dream. Fill in the darkness with the deeepst creations you yearn to bring through. You can never really know the depths of another until you know the depths of yourself. Poisonous plants can be an ally for protection and a warding off of evil. As within, so without. Scream. Shout, let it all out.

You’re free now.

Free free free.

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“But did you die?” On a bumper sticker driving by. I did, I guess I did. To make it all so simple. To know that it’s okay to be loud and make a ruckus and a scene. To ask for what I want, to let myself be seen. Those with love and patience in their hearts will always hold me. They always stay yearning, wanting, wishing for me. For more, I’m sorry that the heart caved into my chest as we laid there. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to give you more. I asked, I prayed, I yearned, yet maybe that’s all I was supposed to be in for that time. I’m ready to lay back down, I’m okay to give it more time. They say it’s the greatest healer of all, yet I feel as though it just gives us more space, more openness for integration.

Options to share and holding back, options to write and rewrite and then deciding. The ‘editing’ process. A heart caved into cares none for those stories. I’m sorry that the laughter left my eyes and it all got so serious.

“It’s all my fault” turned into “it’s not my fault”, a mantra repeated by the biggest soul I’ve known. Small 3 year old body and ‘no’s’ that snare. Constant kisses and love. We don’t choose who comes to us. They’re sent from above. Exhaustion is the only thing known anymore. Let’s choose to thrive. Let’s choose to thrive. Mind body spirit and soul.

Queen of pentacles