Isotope

Same but different. Same internal makeup, different weight, slightly different appearance on the scales of cosmos or whatever.

There’s a trusting, and there’s a trudging. A resistance and an anger and a fury and a leap into the unknown because I prayed to open my heart and now it is here yet why why why do I feel like I’m stuck in place? I planted my boots down deep into the mud and I’m seemingly refusing to move. To move any further. Because why? Because I wish to be right? Because I wish to have it all sorted and figured out and laid out in clean little rows and columns of understanding? Because the unpredictability seems immense and the certainty feels slim?

An isotope, same but different. Yet still same. So shouldn’t I know what to do? Shouldn’t I know how to act and what to create and how to respond? Yet the reducing and the resistance and you are my guide and I am here stuck in place. I planted my feet and I sat down and I said “no!”. Like a child refusing to move any farther because it all seems so unfair. Solutions are thrown out and up and into the air yet all I seem to have is my breath. And movement to churn things back up and allow the flow of water to not get stagnant. Yet the “no!” Seems so sure and the heart feels like weeping. And why why why!!! It’s every damn day, it’s one after the next after the next and the next, it’s this moment to that moment and then many more moments in between. Thrown around, spun around in the churning and it’s all just churning churning churning, like butter or a water mill or ice cream in a kitchenaid attachment. And maybe it’s a past life, or maybe it’s just this one. Maybe it’s something else, this great cosmic dance where I dip my head and I don’t know what goes on on your side of things, how are you over there on the other side of the garden wall? Are things well? Is the grass greener? Your hedges look like they are full of fruit this year, for the birds or whatever, or whatever, or whatever.

There’s always some great whatever and never a here and now. Because here in the now I feel deeply uncomfortable. Like my legs are stuck in place and to feel my body means to feel my heart means to feel all of the things around and within. Everything that’s moving, everything thats stuck, everything that just isn’t quite right and everything that is, and fuck and fuck and fuck, it feels like so fucking much. How could I? How can I? Surrender and walk off the ledge? The fool is what pulled me today, and messages about how the light within is the innovator and I just want to cry because I don’t seem to understand and I wonder if I ever will. So that is why I held back, fear or something like dread or something with this overwhelm that feels so heavy and immense and soon will be discovered to just be a molehill that turned into a mountain because it involves just really letting go. It requires me to really just be free, free to cry and free to emote and free to dance and free to sing and free to move and shake and laugh and cry cry cry cry cry and how can I? How can I when it’s all been bottled up for so long? Who will help me? How will I get by? I know that this is the way to get myself to the state of understanding and feeling the warmth. The warmth without the emptiness. The warmth without that sneaky dark force that lingers around the corners, taking away from the present bliss. I know that it must be within the feeling. Yet why and how? Why are there so many waves? Why does it feel like it sometimes does not end? How can I show this side of myself? For it surly is not something packaged and presentable, it is ugly and it can be mean and it is uncertain and it is shaky and it does not look like what I expect of myself to be. It feels like a fall from grace and it is entirely chaotic and I say to myself it’s so beautiful yet when I am in the midst of it and the feelings become so strong that I do not seem to even feel my feet, then what? How can I find beauty here? Will it take us all down? How can I open my heart to the world without shoving this away? Without locking up everything it is that I feel? For all it seems that I do is fucking feel.

Feel and feel and feel and feel. And breathe. And listen, and dance and cry and play and create, and feel. And I don’t know what to do.

And the uncertainty and the unknown feel like the biggest weights upon my shoulders for all that there is and seems to be is this present moment to the next to the next to the next. And I know that my heart lights and guides the way so that I am not truly walking blind yet my mind does not seem to understand and what am I to do? How do I know that I will not fall apart as this next wave comes, and then the one after that, and the one after that?

In hindsight, the vision is 20/20, yet here and now it feels just like weight. And it feels like things being taken from me that I’ve known for so long. Like feelings stored in the womb back from grade school now being released. 7th grade and 5th and all those before and in between and after. And I think I’m just stuck in the in between and I’m sorry that I don’t know what to do and I’m sorry that it’s not any better and that this is all that I can feel right now, I’m sorry that it doesn’t fit into the box of what seems righteous and true and I’m sorry that it doesn’t look good to the public and I’m sorry that what I feel makes you feel insecure. I’m sorry that i can’t keep it in and I’m sorry that I am vomiting all over the page but I can’t hold back and this is what I need to do. To feel to, to transform it, to get the clarity and the inner strength that I need because it feels so unsure. It feels so unsure and that’s the worst of all. What can we hold onto when we don’t know what to do? When all just feels unsure and painful, like sharpness and dullness and numbness and pain. Walking through the woods, the world, the void, blind, untethered and unbound, insecure and afraid, what do we do? What do we hold onto? We nestle into our hearts, we hold close to the love that we have inside. To the connections that we know are certain. The earth, the stars. The great cosmic one. When all feels uncertain this is what we hold close.

Yet the pain, and the pain and the pain! How do we get through? How do we get by? How do we understand it at all? For it never seems to leave me, it only seems to reveal itself in more and more layers, more and more iterations of the same demons and monsters and entities. Thought forms created over years and years and years of thinking, of drilling into my mind, into my soul, into my body; certain ways of being, certain expectations, certain agreements and so many routes of things that do not serve, so many routes of hatred and fear and distance and disconnectedness. How do we go forth from here?

Hope and love and living in the present? Just choosing a new way, new grooves, new pathways. New experiences, new ways of trusting, of surrendering, of believing. Of deep deep deep listening to our bodies, to our souls, to our hearts. And fuck I just want to cry and to cry and to cry. Because I feel alone. And isn’t that the core of it? Being alone in this great experience, this great and grand play? This cosmic spectacle?

Alone and solo, how we come into this world, and too how we will leave it, so might as well make the most of it I guess. Might as well, love deep and full and true. Let go of delusions and embrace truth, which is simply love. Love all around me, love within me, love below me, love above me, love to the left of me, love to the right of me. Love within respect, love within care, love within presence.

Is all that I’ve created a figment of my imagination? Is what I feel simply all a mirage?

To be and to breathe and to just listen to my heart will give me the answers it is that I need.

I will crawl out of my hole when it is my time to rise, I will crawl out of the darkness when it is time to embrace light. Until then, right here, right now, I will simply just be.