How do you know
How do you know me? What within me is it that you see? Flesh bore raw and exposed? Or miles full of walls and blood and caverns?
What within me do you know about me? What within you do I know? Is it anywhere near the truth? Or is it something that I have just simply constructed and curated from an ego afraid of the sun? I could keep going, stay disciplined and aligned in something that I’ve created, some structure and resemblance of control and curation. Some nice or noisy words, some light, some form that I have called an identity for far too long, or maybe just long enough. I was told that October would change my life, it has, completely turning everything in its head and dropping it into its heart. Into the place of knowing, of awakening, of becoming, of all those things that give me the ability and desire to rise and climb out of the underworlds of my own being. Afraid while safe, ears blocked while listening to the sweetest of sounds. It’s time to rise out of those spaces. I seemed to nearly demand of myself, again and again and again, yet something else seemed to hold on. Hold onto the pain, hold onto the weight, the feeling of being trapped, why why why? I told myself it was because something more in me needed to be discovered, yet what of the actual truth? What would it mean to come out into the light of my own reality? To live this version of me, raw, and open and exposed, baring my soul with each layer I shed, open to the world, open to you, open to it all. A heart outside of my chest, still protected within the comfort of my own soul, yet totally and completely exposed. This sacred something, rawness, vulnerability, authenticity. Stripped tights and ruffles and pink hair and buttons. Giving myself over to my path, whatever that means, yet in me I know. It means trusting, it means upending my life again, it means knowing that I have done it alone, I have figured out how to live this way, solitary, I have thrived in this way, yet this is the way of how things once were. This is the old, outdated, expired yogurt in the back of the fridge growing mold way. The pushing away and not receiving way. This is what calls itself to a close within me now, this is what I am born out and through. This trusting, this opening, this breathing. A bear giving birth to her cubs in the midst of a deep winters hibernation, somehow, nature finds a way.
I do not have all the answers. I barely have any at all, maybe simply a handful of them in the palm of my hand. They consist of words such as faith, and trust, and surrender, and most importantly love. They look like the lines on my palms and they smell like sweet grass and they glisten like water and an energy that is always in motion though totally and completely still. It is my guru, my guide, my one sacred sight, beloved within, I see you, in light.
Everything within me is revealed in full color picture. Everything is felt, everything is made known, everything is understood. Everything is brought to the surface, to light, and nothing is hidden. Entirely shocking, destabilizing and so fully pure, what reveals itself is the cure. My breath carries me through, one moment to the next, feeling, breathing, settling into rest.
