How to transform it all

What would you write if you had nothing to say? What would you share if you felt rotten to the core? What would you speak if your face felt puffy and bloated and swollen from all the words you held back but never said. What would you share? How would you express yourself? Where would you start? If everything had been taken and you never knew when or why or how, all there was was the remaining soul remnants of scattered lives, thrown off to distant planets and times and spaces, yet still you rise each morning and choose to live in love? How would you begin to speak? What is it that you would say? What is it that you would want to share? Would it even be worth it, to dig and drudge up the old, to go to the bottom in order to find what was and has been lost? Would you be able to let go of the past after it has been revealed? How could we forgive? How could we go forward? How could we live without jumping around and around and around trying to just dance dance dance around the truth? Not fully putting a foot down for the ground beneath the feet feels unstable and stained in blood and tragedy. What is it that we could really trust? Would the trees forgive my name? Would they cleanse my spirit of what I have done? What those that have come before me have done? Can I bring forth divine justice to the innocent ones who stare at me with wide eyes and bright smiles when I meet their gaze?

Could I have the courage to meet their stare underneath the weighted vest of my grief? Of guilt? Of shame? Can I really continue to rise, rise, rise, up and out of these traps and into a new light? Or must we instead just take take take our time. To walk through the valley of death and despair, where all lost souls have gone to try and find their mercy, for they too lost the strength before they were able to meet the light. Trapped down in the shadows, the doldrums of their own lives and pasts. Will my feet continue to carry me through? Do I have the strength to meet the other side and to bring the light to their hearts and souls and minds, to be the strength and the resilience and the perseverance that they never were able to maintain? To give back to those in need through my own commitment to the light. To love, to spirit. Will it be enough? Are my shoulders strong enough to endure? Have I built up enough muscle in my thighs to make it through? Where am I even going? If not just straight and narrow and through. Deeper and deeper and deeper into the core of the earth, the center, the point of all creation.

A self fulfilling prophecy the song sings. And I wonder, why can’t I pick something else? Afraid of loosing myself in the darkness, morphing into disillusionment and nothingness, what happens if my body dissolves and I find myself lost out in space? So far far far away from any splice of what’s known. Where would I go if I loose it all? What would I do? Float around in the abyss for eons? Alone, who would keep me company? Is this the life of the past that I now cling to in order to resolve? Any slice of normalcy? What happens if the whole world disappears into nothingness and only the emptiness remains.

I catch another starring my way. They too crave the way all things dissolve, so that something new can be built in its space.

I held on so tightly to another, to others who seemed to know more, to something who would or could give me the answers so that I wouldn’t be so frightened anymore. If only they could show me what it is that I need to know. If only I could discover the way out and through through the corners of someone else’s mind. For if this is all my creation what an immense responsibility. Why is there so much pain? So much fighting? So much sadness?

I watched the walls around me disappear into a black nothingness, stars sprinkled around in every direction and I sat alone in the center of it all. Is this really all there is? I cried out, my heart aching, breaking, so alone. A child with no one to turn to. No one who understood, for the others were too locked into their gray. How can my heart open more? How can I crack myself open? So a prayer, clear and bright and true can make its way through? So I can find peace, a yearning, a desire for life. For a life of thriving, of abundance, or joy. Can it really be possible? A squeak of a voice, a voice made of light a speck of brightness in the sea of black. Enough. It’s enough, enough it make it through.

“The darkest side of the sun” another song wails into me.

The stars around, off in the distance, they too have opened. Dissolved, into the very essence of themselves. Let go, stripped their walls down, cracked their hearts open, allowed the tears to fall and proclaimed into the great darkness “I choose life” over and over and over again. I choose life, for I know that there is another way. There is a way that brings tears to my eyes from joy, from ecstasy, from bliss, and I see that I am not alone in it, for I see all the other stars around too. Though light years away, they are beacons, bright shining, illuminating and twinkling. They are what draw in the eye, they are what ignites the spark. They shoot across the sky. They travel, they spread hope and inspiration and love like it’s the air we breathe. Unwavering in the dedication to shine, to rejoice, to play, to experience. These great stars that have whole solar systems surrounding them, planets and portals. Earths full of life, planets full of energy, where creation is creating more and more and more and more, and the wonder never ceases. For life overflows. For the desire to simply create more overflows. And there’s space for rest, there’s space for release, there’s space for play, for joy, for dedication and perseverance and hard work. There’s space for it all and it all sustains. It all sustains and it all overflows and it simply just keeps going. And more and more and more and the whole essence of us expands. And uplifts and delights in this great world, this great life, this great experience of it all. For it is love, after all, and love is the only thing that truly matters. The only thing that fuels, and replenishes, and sustains. Love and peace and the understanding that this is who we are. To the core and straight on through, you are love embodied, you are light in firm, and you are here to shine.

You are here to shine, to follow what ignites your spark, to turn your pain into your oasis. You are here creating your heaven, from the inside out. From the depths of your soul, you are a beacon and a lighthouse and you are here to rise. To shine, to see, to illuminate and to simply have. Fun. Follow your bliss, follow your brightness, follow wherever it is that your soul is leading you and know that you are never alone in any of it.

I love you endlessly. Know your strength, you are a badass and you are incredible. It’s time for you to remember, it’s time for you to let go of what is holding you back, it’s time to shine. I love you and love never dies, and death is the portal to who you truly are.

Follow it, and find yourself. And never loose yourself again. Kindness prevails eternally.

Xoxo