Chains at my wrists
Cards of ego, reminders to write from the heart. So much truth pours forth and how are we supposed to navigate it? How are we supposed to see through the illusions and the conflicts of the mind? How can we truly heal, hear our innermost calling, the voice of our soul and know that we are strong enough to answer it?
When backed up into a wall, not knowing where to go or what to do, I am reminded to breathe and to feel into my body.
A cedar tree proclaimed a passage, a voyage and a journey, she shared the messages of the pine. To stand strong, grow that green emerald heart amidst the coldest of days. Winter is just beginning and I feel like I might not have what it takes, yet it is something I only can go through, there is no where to go but here, for winter has come and winter has found its place. Here to settle in for the next many moons, for the next many nights. Long in their darkness. Full of unknown answers and quiet whispers, a soft clarifying sharp cold. Pine shares the messages that now is our time to thrive inside, to know the blessings of a warm home, to feel the fullness of one’s body in space, the power of touch and surrender and breath, of warm food and tea, of inner tranquility. Pine shares the power of intuition, intention, living in each present space, with each present breath, there’s no where to go but through, there’s no where to be but here. There’s nothing to run from, there’s nothing to hide, all is here, my darling bride.
When my mind seeks to turn away, what should I lean into?
Soft, exposed, vulnerable like a deer out in an open field of white. Gently moving, one swift hoof step to the next, snow crunching underfoot. I make my way through the valley, finding old evergreens to nibble. Spruce and cedar. Pine and balsam fir. These great power houses of beings. Eternally strong, wise beyond words, and so full of life amidst a sea of frozen ice and snow.
Whose hands are here to hold me as I open? As I expose myself raw to the world?
What soft bed am I here to fall into as I awaken, remember, reclaim? Bring back to me all the scattered parts that have been lost, all the pieces that have been torn apart and scavenged.
Tears begin their slow descent. A long awaited arrival of wetness, heart exposed, beating life. Broken screens and warmth that flows through apps designed to trap our souls, to keep us caught in the endless loop of giving away our only true power, where we direct our focus. And I refuse to ever leave my heart again. Is it grief or is it truth? these waves that move through me now, weeks away from my last release. I awoke to the words of a ‘sleepy, sober, softening’ and this is what I now feel yet it feels so out of control, for there is nothing to hold onto other than my breath and my body, and it all feels so out of control and inside I am feeling afraid. For what are we supposed to do? What am I supposed to do with it all? Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, the feelings of it all, how much pain and how much heartache is truly being experienced, how can we ever heal? How can we truly ever go forth?
I proclaimed that ‘we do not run’ away from the truth in a string of fridge magnets turned poetry. I breathed into the softness of space that you created for me with your wise heart and stable hands and right mind, I breathed myself clear, and here I let the tears fall. How could I ever meet you where you’re at? In the depths of the deepest hollows, I wished for nothing more than to be by your side, so that you would never have to be alone again, so that you wouldn’t have to keep enduring such heartache and pain, so that you wouldn’t have to keep feeling so alone, so abandoned and so lost where you are. I wished to show you the light through the clarity of my brave heart, yet when push came to shove, did I really have the strength? The power? The drive to meet you in fullness? In darkness and in light, could I really do it? Or would I fall, fold and shatter like a porcelain doll in the depths of hell. At least the snowflakes shine so brightly in their rainbow sheen down here. At least my body feels it’s way back into this world when out naked in the snow, at the very least I am not alone for I have the fire and I have my friends, though they always need to return at the end of the night, and they seek to understand, I feel them try. Yet here I have my focus, I have my attention, and I have my heart. Eternally.
Do I have the strength? Or will I wither away? It seems that there simply is no choice for me other than to go forth, or to be here now, yet what I wish and what I crave is to be stronger, to be faster, to be brighter, to let my breath and my heart and my courage carry me to all the places it is that I know I am meant to be, all the places I know I can be within without balking or hiding in or running away. I wish for the sturdy stable strength that helps me know that I am capable and I am able and I am ready for anything, able to navigate anything that comes my way. I wish to be brave, I wish to be there for my loves, out alone in the dark, I wish to find them and to bring them home and warm them up by the fire, I wish for them to never ever feel alone again. I wish for them to be held and seen in all it is that they are, nurtured within such unconditional love, I wish to know them in their strength, to know they have the power within them to rise, and I wish to give them the gift of activating this within themselves.
I let the heart bleed. I let it open and expand and break and mourn. I let it fall apart and shatter and collapse, for inside is a whole other heart, one so full of life, new to all of the layers, yet open to them all, living eternally from the space of clarity and grace and love within. The lightness of day and the darkness of night, a heart born into shadows is the one that shines the most bright.
I am ready to go forth. I am ready to live. I am ready for my life.
