Warm hearted in a cold world

I wonder what I can lean into. Songs that speak of ‘hitting it from the back so they don’t get attached’ words of love from my coworkers that they rejected, said no to, overwhelmed by the wave of true care calming form a woman who wants him without restraint. An old, cold world out in the Minnesota snow.

And here I sit in my daze, a mind that’s gotten slightly cloudy, fogged, I still yearn to just lay down and curl up and disappear under a sea of dark stars, a blanket of warmth to cover me, fill my weary soul with tenderness, a softness I’ve never known yet always reached out for. A song that meets me again after I spoke of it yesterday. It’s all so addicting, so I try and try and try to get away. Ocean eyes that cry and cry and a sea that feels like it’s been blocked. For all I yearn for is to let go, fall back, release control, let the earth hold. “It’s so hard to shake an artist” we’ve seen it all. So tough, to touch, yet I wish to find my softness, to know my tenderness, to release into my own haven of love, that trusts in the protection, in the fierceness, in the peace that passeth all understanding. Everyday some sort of war or bagel, against what I feel, what I see what I perceive? Yet what if I just feel it all?

Would I rip your skin from your face? Would I rip my own away? Screaming out to you to get away, all the light I know within me projected onto you, angry at the world, a frightened animal hidden behind barred teeth, how can they ever feel safe again? How can I verify know peace again?

“Some people just heal better than others” I wonder if I’m the outlaw, the one that takes the extra week, extra year, extra lifetime to figure it out and fix it all. “A twin running around here soon” what can I lean on? When everything that I thought I knew proved wrong, lost in an art gallery, an empty heart. An empty heart, I saw the light through the window, through the wall, yet what did I feel? For I didn’t feel at ease, that’s for sure.

A blue mole, the kind that moves through the dark through intuition. An axolotl that absorbs the radiation of a scientists lab, transforms it all, though a product of it penetrating the sea. “It’s stupid little face” a child’s heart that tries to remain strong. Would you hold me in tenderness? I feel my way through, I extended out a smile, I clicked through a standardized test with the word simile. I was told I needed to do it all again. I brought forth a story or two that could lay down the puzzle pieces of what has been put together to make me me, and what has been laid out to make you you. “A product of our environment” yet that is just our launchpad, the basis of which we stand and form where we grow.

I wished to hide. Past tense for I wish to no longer claim it. A thing to be adored within the light of your awareness, you see parts of me, yet do you really know me? The light within/reflected/shown, shines so brightly, it beams and I am reminded of a booby trap; the plants will always bring me back to center, back to love, back to playing mommy and baby and finding the hidden trophy. There’s no prize for half hearted living.

My soul wishes to vacate the space, simply drift off, disappear, hide under covers and stones, under the soil, the earth, yet the cards ask that I jump forth into oblivion, a keyhole in my back. I held on so tightly to the fringes because I wondered if I could ever get myself back. What does it look like to stare straight in the face of all that I see and not run? Not blind or turn away, but see, and choose love, day after day.

Lord, Great Mother, bless my old heart. Make me soft again. Help me to trust again. Help me to love again. Help me to know safety again.

True emotional fulfillment, my hearts truest desire, family, children, togetherness. 10 of cups love, it comes forth as I face, as I rise. A queen of wands, has called me back again and again and again, rise rise rise again. From every instance that I have been knocked down, she stands her feet deep. She rises. She sees, and she challenges authority, for she knows that love is the only thing that is here to sustain. To maintain, to help, to flourish, to ignite, to bring back the spark of divine love thats within you, that’s within me, that’s within all that we see.

What can we trust within a world gone blind? For all that we truly have is within us. What is felt, known, within us. It’s always within us.

so just let go, know you are safe and held, know the direction is always steered from inside, know what you don’t need to worry, that all is well, faithful bride. All is well faithful bride. All is well, my faithful bride.