This life forbids comfort
I sit, spine straight, a man to my left, big and begrudging, polite in his composure, his demise, reaches tendrils of yearning towards bare thighs, apex of my center, i notice, read a poem, read it again, read it one more time, to gain my own ground. He turns his head to the right, away from my openness, yet the closure of my refusal. Open only in the permeability of my skin. The final time, the poem sticks, as do my roots, deep, deep, deep beneath the earth. Burrowed into the core, taproot to weather all storms, near constant. “This life forbids comfort”
Yet here i am typing once again upon a keyboard that allows more mobility than a broken tablet screen. There is cool air that pushes against me within my drives, a chilling contrast to the damp warmth outside. The smog of people’s minds fills the rooms and i overcome it. I continue on with my relentless search of the right step, still not placing my foot down, beyond the burrowing in and deep beneath the surface. Exhaustion plagues all those around me, deep deep exhaustion. We’ve been at it for too long. Yet still we endure, we dance, we sway, we gather, to what end?
I hear the stories of band members feeding off their spouses as they play, a baby in arms, she looks like i once did. Eyes drained and weary, hoping for salivation in something that is never given individually, yet shared so fruitfully with crowds. A leaching, a sucking, a soul dividing and shattering kind of illusion of love. Tragic and harrowing, it breaks the spirit and hacks a great divide in the trusting heart. A trench of despair, how can one ever fully let go again? If they ever managed to find their way out of it. I pray to all the gods i know for peace to all those afflicted, will they ever listen? i do not know.
I eat more these days, replenishing the seemingly endless output of energy, channeled and direct now, anything to refill the stores of power I refill and use and refill and use up. I refill them again when i sleep, 2 hours of napping a day, as of recent. Will it ever suffice? There is no time to sit in untended questions when there is work to be done.
I look different now, hair short and blond at the ends, tattoos on my neck and jaw, more peppering my arms and legs, they will not stop filling my skin. My inside world becoming visible upon my outer layer. I finally feel like myself again, though I work damn hard to maintain this center. Clear and grounded within a world of distortion, each moment, a test, in some school of earth that i swear and curse and damn to the fieriest depths of hell. Yet, the ‘world don’t stop’ so neither do i. I have a home, a roof, i have food to eat, i get sleep. I work hard, day in and day out, from the time i rise in the morning to the time my subconscious pulls me down and under, i am aware. Of everything that surrounds me, everything that posses a threat or a brightness, a flicker of light, true and brave amidst seas of darkness. Never trust what is just upon the surface, use your inner eyes to see, to know, to feel, to deeply understand what is beneath the current and this is where reality finally becomes clear. Those thought to be a breath of foul air soon become known as illuminating guides. Shiny bright fluorescent beams who promise riches yet are rotten to the core breath their beautiful facade, nothing is truly as it seems. Root those feet down down down deep, and feel your way through. Train, through the tiredness, and do not give up the fight, we need your strength and we need your attention through the clarity of your spirit. We need your love and we need your power, all of us, the dreamers, the weavers, the artists, the makers of this new world, born of the ashes of the old. We are within the birth portal, and damn does it hurt, its burns and it screams and it breaks our bones but we know that something greater is coming forth through the effort, something built to last beyond out farthest reaches into the future, unimaginable just yet, it is coming, it is here, as we hold ourselves rooted and clear.
