The end is near

The end is near 

I spoke of death in the hands of mother, I trusted them with my fate. I gave it all away, nothing left in my hands I felt as if I was simply the portal for the emotions, the feelings the whims of others. A being based in truth, I became the one able to hold and ground the group, keep the center in check. Yet what of me? What of my words and my feelings and my actions? What of everything that goes on within me and the fucking rage. The loony and desperate rage that threatened to consume. How could I show up? Grounded and kind and true when so much bunked and oiled beneath the surface. The wind howls and my body quakes and there’s nothing that I can escape from. All that I can do is be here and as I sit and as I breathe and as I’m present and as I tune in, light starts to enter back in. Light starts to find its rightful place back within my heart. Yet the lights are so bright and the sounds are so strong and since I was able to breath and be and feel my heart so strongly, I know that I now am able to comprehend, I am now able to relate. I am now able to empathize in the way that I can connect. I can understand. I can be ok in any situation because I know that I am strength and I am light and I am love. Yet what of the fucking rage? The hiding behind curtains and drapes, the shrinking in order to make them feel more safe. The selling of the soul. The only way out is through, the only fucking way out is through and I know that I must breathe and I know that I must depend upon you for you make me see my way out of the lie. You turn the lights on and you bring in the color. Yet what of the annoyance and what of the shame and what about all of it? All that I seem I cannot communicate, all it seems that I cannot say yet what I wish to scream and to proclaim  and to break others out of their shells. So sweet yet what of shutting down? There’s no fucking way to get through it other than to just fucking breathe, to just fucking be and I feel like I wanna cry and I wanna scream and I wanna run around, dump my head in cold water or rip off my skin because it feels like it comes out from within. It comes out from within and I’m tired and I just wanted to be done, yet I know I will be okay. What of the things that I cannot control? What if all the sounds and energies and memories? The over stimulation, for I cannot ask another to change, shouldn’t I simply discover and figure out how to figure it out myself? When it all feels like the walls are closing in and I feel small and I feel tired and I feel scared. What is it that I am supposed to do? 

My mother in her room not saying a damn word, yet finding ways to deal with the annoyances, shoving it all down over and over and over again. It’s all so fucking unfair, it’s all so fucking unfair. It’s not right and it’s not fair. And what is it that we’re hiding from one another and how do I get out? How do I get to the other side when I am surrounded by things that I cannot control and I just wanted to feel ok and I just wanted to feel safe and I just wanted to feel alright. And it feels like my system might just shut down yet I don’t know how, because shouldn’t I just keep pushing?shouldn’t I just keep trying to be something, to be more, or do more, to expand, to live in the present. And then, something good, something calm finds me, something peaceful, something full and for a breath I am able to understand and to feel what it all is for. What the presence is for, what the work is for, what the time and dedication for. It’s to feel and to tune and to feel the love. It’s to truly, deeply fully feel the love. 

I heal the past, I heal the hurt through feeling, through going in and letting the divine in. From this space I rise into my starness, I welcome in the magician. The power to create in relationship. I become the star, I become the creator through letting you in. Letting you in, letting you heal my heart, letting the love from you heal me, heal, heal all heartbreak and heartache. Welcoming in the love of you and your highest love, I heal full and entirely and I rise I rise I surely rise.

Above and beyond? I’ll tell you, I will write it out in song. I’ll teach you the words, help you sing along.