Shielded and protected

Oct 10

I write from a space that I proclaim myself to be clear. The intentions have been set, the course ready, forward and onward we steer. Though that’s the thing with a course, we set the sails, we choose our direction, and still sometimes the storm ushers in. It rocks the boat, it tires to flip us overboard. It rips the sails and flips us around. No where to go, afraid we might drown. Yet what holds steady amidst the change is the stars burning brightly, setting the stage.

I’ve called back my focus, I’ve recentered the mast. I’ve chosen the direction, home bound at last. It’s to the heart you see, the magic, the beauty and the mystery. It’s my heart inside my chest, it’s my burning desire to get through the rest. It’s the pulsating wisdom that bubbles and broils, it’s the clarity of certainty that I’m no longer in turmoil. And so, I ask and I question, what more is there to be? If the space has opened up, if my heart is now free, then what? What comes next? What comes forth from this great mystery?

“We can hangout” the heart throbs, yet the heart throb knows what happens when only one is in the arena, when only one is playing the game. Is it toxic to continue onward, a sludge at my ankles? Or is this alchemy? Is this the final straw?

Who do we know to fight for, who do we let go of?

I know that more light has entered in, I know that life feels beautiful and magical again, I know that love can exist. Though, with ease and grace we prayed for it to all fall away, and so it did and so it does. And so, here I sit with my heart in my hands, writing out to the void. Who will read it I do not know, who will see my soul may not be up to me to decide. Maybe it’s just for me, maybe to be seen is something that can only happen when one decides to reveal. To cut through all 7 layers to get right to the child inside, then stitch them up one by one once all is said and done. And so, with the great disorder of an unknown storm coming in, I proclaim to the stars: here’s my heart. Do with it what you will. And guide me home.

I set the map, I had a vision, though that’s all that it was, a simple vision of what may be. And I saw you within it, the you that no one else knew, the you that I never had met, the you I had never written to before. And I’m reminded of the You that frightened me, for it felt like me. Though at the time I did not know it so I started to speak in code because I felt afraid of sharing what really was in my mind and in my soul, for I know that your heart is with another and for me to reveal it all and simply fall felt like a task I could not endure. And so I decide to pour, and pour and pour and pour. Pour it all out into something that may then feed us all back. This is the declaration of a friendship rekindled. A love rewoven and reborn. It came through as I was pressed with my back against the fridge, straddled in their lap, hands on my heart opening me up over and over and over again. To be held in the hands that are safe to surrender into, even though we’ve been apart for 10 years. That is true trust.

I write and I realize that many may not understand. Many may not fathom for I have proclaimed to wear my heart raw and bare yet still I dress in a long coat, to keep myself safe I say, for what will others think. If I really share it all, if I really let all the curtains fall then here I am vulnerable and raw and then you have the weapons to point at me and pry. To cut me deep, to leave my out to die.

Yet the heart lives on,

I write and I ramble and much is not that good, much is just that, some filler. It’s like our conversations, it’s how we roam, taking the long labyrinth back to the center point of the heart, and what is the heart here to say?

I love you and I am not afraid, though I beat and I ache and I hurt and I open. It feels like fall and it feels like dying and it feels heavy and it feels tender and I’m told that it feels light at times and I am ready for that too, yet now it feels open and it feels like staring into your eyes for the first time and it feels like how you kept coming back, couldn’t stay away for I am a breath of fresh air on a smoke filled day.

I always sat with my heart until one day you’d realize, until one day you too would sit with your heart and realize. Realize that the heart lives on, and it doesn’t end, and I’ve never regretted loving anyone ever, and I have so much to pour and so much to give and I will never ever stop. To be loved by me means to be blessed beyond our times together, to be loved my be means to be loved for from afar, to be loved by me means to know that you will never not be loved again. For when I love, I do it deep and I do it full and I do it well.

I don’t play around, I don’t half ass, I don’t just skim over the top. I love and I love and I love. And I devote to loving all. To loving every curve and every freckle. Every part of you that you wish were not seen. Every inch and every edge, I love it all.

And now, now with all this space that has been opened up, I have the joy and the privilege and the opportunity to fill up my own eternal cup. The ace of cups is for me, overflowing in its majesty. Rest when you need rest, run when you need to move. I am here to unconditionally love me.

When no one else could love me in the way that I loved them, in the way that I needed, I turn to the sun, the divine, the heart within and I say, it’s time to love me. So here we embark on the journey of discovery, of loving thineself in all of her majesty. It seems hefty, for to love another seems so innate, but to love myself feels like the final stake. The thing above all else, all other things, for this is the love that carries onward, this is the love that will never leave. This is the love that builds palaces and castles and a whole new world, built on devotion. On love eternal, on love within. Love for the endings as much as for the beginnings. Love for the death as much as for the life. Love for the self will never leave, it will only grow and grow and grow and expand and expand and expand and into infinity we roam.

Entropy shall prevail yet too will creation. Too shall love, too shall hope and joy and beauty and wonder. When one stares off into the void for long enough soon a space of light appears. Either that be in the distance or within, the light appears. And it turns the face towards what causes the glow. And into that light we walk, into that light we go. And into that light we call forth our strength and our power and our comfort and our joy and into that light we remember what it’s all for. What it’s all for, to create, to play, to rejoice. To love the empty space as much as the light that fills it, for without the openness, without the expanse, there would be no space for the light to fill. There would be no container for the joy to overflow from. There would be no dance of the yin and the yang. There would be nothing. One pulls all things into darkness, and the other expands them out with the light, and the light keeps shining, and shining and shining and it lights up the night with freckles of stars across the sky, portals to other worlds shining so bright. And from this space, I say thank you, thank you and I love you. I would not have known myself otherwise. I would not have known who I truly am without you. I would not have seen this sharp and clear and true mirror of me without knowing you. Without seeing you, without understanding you. Thank you for showing me, helping me wake up even more into my own dream of beauty of reality of light and wonder and love. Of being held, of being seen, of being known, thank you for helping me to know who it is that I truly am. Thank you for helping me to integrate all parts of me. Thank you for helping me to keep the balance. Thank you for helping me to stay true to who I really am.

As the sun and the brightness of day loves and worships the quiet and the stillness, the darkness of night, thank you. Thank you, thank you. I love you eternal. A million times over. I love you to the depths and the core of who you are. Thank you. Thank you thank you. May you rise and grow and be the fullness of yourself in all the ways that your true heart desires. May you understand yourself like no other, may you know your worth in every form, every facet, every expression of your beautiful and magnificent being. May you bless the ground you walk upon for it is you who takes the steps. It is you, entirely unique and beautiful and brilliant, it is you, yes it’s you, and it’s always been you.

Yes, yes it’s you.

Incredibly beautiful, it is you.

I love you.