Roots reach to the core
Rooted down
Deeply they stretch, they twine, they interweave. A feeling of anguish bubbles up in my gut and I am reminded to slow down. Yet how? How? When things have run on such a specific track for so long? I feel the flame, the fire of the horse within me, running, galloping, free from all constraints. Free in the wind, free to the earth, the thunderous sounds of hooves across dense soil. There’s so many routes to go. I claimed myself the thing that you pull up from the bathtub drain, pulling pulling pulling up with the hair and the grime and the long forgotten threads of the past. I danced myself silly and I made myself safe within a presence that once shattered my bones. Oh true power, is this what you have in store for me? A new chapter titled “love unconditional” though seen as the words of ‘badassery’ to another. Is this what you have in store? The light that slipped in between the cracks, the darkness that took its place, the steady pounding of my heart laying up close to the earth. I breathe I breathe I breathe. Reminded, asked to slow down. My body remains in place while my soul runs wild. Wild with a will stronger than iron. I stand my ground amidst a forest fire, I know where to turn myself deep to avoid the flames. Plunging under water, rooted deep within the soil. My legs spread, a symbol of feminine power. To relax amidst a world of power over, I choose peace, I choose rest, I choose safety amidst the flames. We are all somebody. A building that’s burning, going down a river titled “crisis center” on a coffee mug no longer held . Pick up your feet and let the river guide you, a soft and humble force to be reckoned with told me. Let your body dissolve amidst the energy, let the peace carry you, let it guide you.
I didn’t wanna let go of my feet on the land because I thought it might guide me back to the space of no return, where I laid my head down and whipped my own skin in order to be worthy. To be closer to some unseen unknown unheard ‘God’. The one they all talked about but never lived. They one they let paint and color their days at the expense of another. Some other force that knew the rules that their hearts protested against. Why is it always this way? Needing to cut back my cat from eating what he wishes. This anger this flame this heat, this fire. Burning me up so brightly like an ember. If this is forever then let it be swift, let it be fast, let it turn me over in my grave so that my face may press the cool stones of the earth and my tears will fall to water the seedlings. May my heart be open and free, may only love consume me.
Emotions move through me like waves like the tides. I dreamt of giving up my pearls, the ones I worked hard to find at the seas depths, in order to have a blessed trip over and through. A prayer I sent out in a beaded bracelet and I sent it out to the waves. They say that life is meant to be joyful, yet when I live amongst the human ways, of traffic and vet appointments and folding my clothes, I feel as though I must pour all of my effort into staying there, staying there and not leaving. How can I move down a stream when I must remain tough, when I must keep my fire lit, when I must hold the light for my beloved feline so he is not afraid in this new place that smells of pain and fear and uncertainty, and on the bad day, death. The passing of a beloved friend that showed more love than many ever experience from other humans in their entire lives.
Let go into the stream.
My home is my sanctuary. And it’s dripping in emotions. It art across the walls, in alchemy. In time passed with myself. With others without them every being here. Through their soundless calls out into a void that I picked up and sent back once I learned the correct key to the sacred locks. It’s usually, almost always through the heart. And saying no, and holding a boundary.
I pour and I barf and I expel onto the page. A secret place that I write, though with a strong mind to discern what will be feasted upon and what needs to stay close and out of sight. The twisting in my side has lessened, and am I really learning my lesson? Or am I continuing a perpetual spiral of hatred and shame? Does feeling it, writing it, transforming it really have anything to blame? Out in the world of human kind. I have understood it all. What is felt to the degree that I have reached myself. Yet what of the places I have not yet ventured? Am I too meant to cross these thresholds? Or am I instead meant to stay in place, remaining firmly in my seat, my clear vision of mountains and fields and a creek that laughs and bubbles. Some far off fantasy, with a lover and young children playing blissfully in the wildflowers. Or am I meant to continue along on my path. This slow chiseling away of the marble to reveal the sculpture that is formed through my hands. All the thoughts and all the waves, threatened to sweep me under, turn me around in my seat. So I did. I allowed them to. To move me, for when I resist I lock up, I freeze, I become like the stone I am creating with.
All the fear and all the worry comes from not knowing, from feeling uncertain, within myself, my own abilities to heal and transform and remember. To take the raw materials, the paint and all the brushes that I recently found hidden in a drawer under papers from years ago, my grandmothers brushes, and using them to build. To create, to play, to pray. To understand the world around me and to build something beautiful from it. Bringing the world of spirit into the world of form through the art I create. Yesterday was the final day of the shedding, the final skin on the snake being stripped off, and I held firm in the future that I am here to build, that is already created that just asks me to take the right and simple and elegant steps towards its manifestation. The castle off on the distance with the stone pathway leading me there. The knot in my side has subsided. The river is working its flow. All that I need to do is to listen and to let go, to allow the words to pour, to bring the truth out onto the page and to know that this is what I have trained for, this is what I have created myself to do and learned myself into being. To know and to understand and to choose, to simply choose the best way forward. For the highest and greatest good of all. Through saying yes, and through saying no. There’s been quite a few more no’s these days and that feels like liberation within itself. I pray that my heart is always with me as I make these decisions.
