Remember now
I hear that it’s safe to remember now
Safe to remember what exactly? What I’ve held on to for so long for fear of being found out? It’s safe to remember love or it’s safe to remember fear or something in between. The body craves rest while the soul craves more. The mind was searching, yearning, grasping so hard, for so long, so many things to think about and to latch onto and to discover, so many ideas. So much support all around the room, so many signs of awakening, yet the mind still chatters, fills the room with shadows and beats the heart at an irregular speed, warnings of shaky ground and unstable footing. Will I ever feel safe? How can I bring my body into this space, can I ask to wake up with it? Or will I simply dissolve?
Is it safe to even invite another soul into the picture if all that I seem to be able to provide is something so far from calm and cool and comfortable. Something that is in moments yet how can those moments be sustained, how can I truly give back? How can I really give to another, to show up fully, raw, vulnerable, to be exposed in this state, all of these states and still ask to be loved. Know that love is the only way. Perhaps that’s why I choose such presence, or presence chooses me so strongly, so firmly, because it’s the only way, to find love, to know love, to be loved amidst this, amidst this all.
“I just need a little mercy, mercy on me….” Plays in my head. And in this I know truth. I know that I can breathe and I can find stillness within, yet what I truly wish for is to collapse into your arms in tears. To spill the truth, all of it, every ounce and drop and let you know and let you hold me. Let you breathe me back into stillness, into peace. To let go so fully that I forgot the fear of disappearing. Forgetting the fear of scattering beyond repair, and simply going, let loose and letting go. Instead I held it together, yet I wish and oh how I wish I could just let myself go. How I wish I could let go without holding back. Jumping off the bridge into the river below to let the stream take me with its flow, oh how I wish to just let go and to be taken. To be held, to be wrapped up in such complete and total love, and soothed back into fullness. So tender so gentle so strong and so soft, so protective in its strength, so firm in its love, unwavering. So stable, dependable, secure that no amount of storms or waves or great disruptors could ever sway the inner and outer atmosphere of noble peace. No amount of chaos could ever tear down a heart built so strong and sturdy, so ready and able and willing to hold. To hold me, to let me know, to show me that I am safe. That all is well, and that this love is forever. That it is not some passing fad but instead the thing written about in the stars, the kind of thing that rewrites history, the kind of love that will not fade but only grows stronger, brighter, hotter and more passionate with each passing breath, with every new moment of experience. Within it all it grows, like a mold or like a mycelium network or like the universe expanding itself. Love making herself known, love choosing life, love ever growing. Love eternal. Love forever, and love always. Growing, creating, building new life.
