In the depths of overcast skies
A body that held so much. Worries and insecurities. Past lovers, past friends. Ideas of security all being stripped away. Am I behind? Am I exactly where I need to be?
Why must it all get so serious? Can I sink down into the hole and know that I will find my way out of it eventually? Must I always try and push and make it right out or is there sometimes greater surrender within the release…
The dropping back and back and back and back and back in. The breathing. Breathing breathing, deeply in, out out out fully letting it all go. The settling into the body in this space. The slowing down of the heartbeat, the slow releasing of the muscles. The tensions, the strain. And then the surrender back and in. Where I begin. To notice, to witness, observe. Where things are tight and tense. Where others judgments have laid rest underneath my own skin, now dissolving. And oh, how I just yearn and crave the resting. The resting, the resting, the reprieve from all the movements, all the tensions, all the worrying and the workings of the mind.
Yet I am strong and I show face within this world of man and I play by the rules of their game enough to get by, though oh how torn away we have all been from the truth for far too long, or just long enough. A wave coming back to shore.
The symbol that is shown is one that came to me in a dream. Full of fluffy flowery words, it communicates in code. A cryptic message that I decipher once I let it all be spelled out clearly. Yet, I bargain, I strike up a deal: to open oneself up to the intuition. Open one’s heart up to the workings of Spirit. The tale that is shared between this word and that. This world and that. Of this universe or from another. Held gently in the balance, travelled lightly upon the golden threads of the heart that connect it all. To read between the lines means to feel what is shared, spoken without words, sung to the soul rather than of the voicebox of the logical mind and workings of this land of tall phallic buildings and cement covered earth. They do not speak the tongue of understanding, they do not speak the language of the soul. The barriers that prevent the wildness from taking its rightful root within the deep dense earth, within the heart. The one true heart that unites and weaves all time and all space and all understanding together.
I see the moon and the sun spun together within that shape. A perfectly harmonious unity. Make lemonade out of the lemons I hear. Yet vicious teeth clash and claw and I still care about what others think. I still care, as much as I wish I did not. I care because I still wish to have a place within this world. I still wish to belong. A temporary drink from a fountain installed on the inside of a brick wall. Yet what of the rivers, and the creeks and the streams? I know that I am free yet when I drive past them, feet above the earth I do not, did not stop to be with them. I travelled onward, towards the comfort of my home. A bed that would hold me, my body within this space. So what more are we fighting against? A head dips back and falls into the abyss. The empty space, where there is everything and nothing and only the unknown, only what is known is what comes forth into the illumination of the heart; oh lord, how I could try more, do more, be more for all of them. For all those around me, yet what if that’s not what I wish to be?
I find belonging within me, I find sanctuary within my own heart, within my own body, within my art, my life. The creator moving its magic through me.
On the fringes of burnout and desperation. I bought another pack of cigarettes. I am strong I tell myself. And this is the truth to my core. For I would rather wait with the dying embers, watch them all burn out then sacrifice myself again for something that will only leave me stranded, alone even more than before. So instead, I take to the beach, and I sit up next to the reeds and I close my eyes and I breathe and I breathe and I breathe into my heart. And dogs walk by, and I am reminded of dreams that once lived within me. I see their bright innocence, souls within bodies that only can speak out when their families listen with the intent to hear. I wish to be one that always listens with the intent to hear.
I speak in code for it’s what I understand, yet all the information is laid out right before me. I will not change who I am. I will only become more and more and more of the truest essence of me. I will breathe from my heart so entirely. I will rework harmful thought patterns and belief systems and ideas, but I will never tame the wildness within me, I will never ever make myself go back into the box of convenience to suit the comforts of those uncomfortable with my authentic and honest expression. For who I am to my core is not a burden or a thing to be feared. Who I am to my core is bright and wonderful and deep and intense and powerful and strong and sovereign and made up entirely of love.
Underneath it all, amidst it all, no matter where I am, who I’ve been, or what I become, I am love.
