What is it that you need?

That’s always the burning question around here, what is it that you may need, what is it that they may need, what is it that I need? How I can I give all of this to you and to me and to them and to myself? I only have two hands, or from what I may know, I’m like a spider in a costume trying to figure it out, with a bleeding broken heart saying “please just let me out!”. So maybe that’s the answer right there and it’s been here all along. I know it, I’ve known it.

There are so many words that wish to spring forth from my lips from my tongue, how I can settle back into it a bit more, when the room feels cold and sore, like the wound that needs a little more tending, a little more love. But inside I feel golden and bright and warm! And then I go a centimeter deeper and see the vast chasm of the heart that is like an endless void vacuum of misery and despair. Or maybe just that endless space, that empty space, waiting, yearning for someone to come and fill it. I notice how the air around me gets colder. How my own body starts to shiver as I sink and go deeper an deeper and deeper down. There’s all of these words that now wish to come out. They are the stories or me and mine. Ancestors, loved ones, women alike. Beings from all different dimensions and realms, all ready to finally have their stories and their voices told. And in this cold space, this is where I relax. Like a body in the big lake, steady your breathing, know that you are safe. We have trained for this for many lifetimes now, and as this time moves forth we are reminded and remembering. This is why it’s brought to the surface now, and this is why it’s ready to be told.

“Let it be you” says the skunk on the square card with rounded edges. Let it be you who bridges the gap. Let it be you who shares the story. Let it be you who speaks up and tells it like it is. Let it be you who speaks your truth, with so called “imperfect” grammar, no matter what the family may think. Write your Ands and Buts as the start of sentences, and write it proud and strong and true. It’s unique you know, to take an extra 4 long seconds at the stop sign, just to have the feeling or the dissonance, to use that as fuel that fills the belly and pushes you forward. That strange icky in between space as a sanctuary. That place that is just off best as a road to freedom. It shows. It shows in others, what will they do when the clock doesn’t tick as it was planned. It shows because it allows for all to rise. In that space, in that terrible, beautiful luxurious space. The one that makes those uncomfortable because it’s out of synch. It’s the portal to heaven, it’s where your greatest healing is. Because we find it, and in it, we hold. Stay with it. Stay in it, what more is there for you. What more of you is there in it, and hold it until it naturally dissipates, like a wave finally cresting over. The big release, and then it all goes back to calm.

What have you learned in this space? Of intentional triggers? It’s like edging but for some other reason. And the question is always why? Why do any of it? Why get to the other side? Why not just stay in it forever? Aren’t more waves gonna come? Why even try?

Because now my dear, my dearest and my muse, we have entered into the shadow. The realms of unseen. Like a dark sauna building full of sweating bodies. The release is natural. All you have to do is sit, and allow. Allow the steam to seep in to loosen your body, to cleanse and purity your soul, through simply allowing. Through it may feel nasty as hell. All the bodies, all the shadows, and the traumas and the discomfort. Bubbling up to the surface like the ink in the black lagoon. Like the stickiest of syrup or a fly trap. Let it come up, let it all come up and let it all be seen. This is what we do with it. This is how we move through it. Let it come up, see it, snd release it. Breathe baby breathe. Breathe deep, deep, deep through it. With all of your body as you surrender into the peace. It may feel uncomfortable because there’s still more ready to be shown. Maybe it’s the face you wear, the skin you adorn as your own, the flesh you’ve claimed and criticized and calculated. Each freckle, each dimple, each eye lash and eye brown. Each pore on your face, too much here too little there, never quite perfect, never quite enough. Surrender it, let it all fucking go. Give it back to the righteous god that loves you like no other. Simply drop it, see it, and fucking feel it and let it all go. Sink back into the space within, the all,the knowing, the one that holds you and knows you in all of your ways and skins in beings. The one that knows all your thoughts and your voices and how you judge and yell and scorn. Saying one is another is another, and how you fuck and how you pray. How you start your day and how you love. Give it all back to them.

Give it all back and know that it is being received with loving, mighty hands, these are hands that will hold you and rock you and push the scum from the depths of your being out, out, out, into the light of day, this is the true God. The source of all that is. That sees you in your entirety. That knows your every single move. There’s nothing hidden because there’s nothing that needs to be. No things to be ashamed of, no things to fear, to run from or to hide, the fucking truth, the bloody truth, the beautiful truth. The whole truth. It’s all held in love.

Though it may feel cold and calculated. It may feel like “maybe I should run” “maybe I should turn from this” “it’s not what I thought” “it’s not what I expected” “this isn’t love, how could it be, there’s too many curses and swear words” let it be.

Let it be and see what it does to you, what it does to your body. How are you reacting, how would you like to respond. Do you really need to run from this? Or can you see it through to the other side. Can you deepen, just a little bit more. Can you surrender into your breath. Can you feel into your body, can you let go of all those emotions. Can you let yourself cry and scream and release, if it feels safe to do so, or can you simply just feel. Fucking feel what it all feels like to be alive. To be alive in all of our parts. To be true to ourselves and to our bodies and to our beings, to be true to our hearts and the messages they have for us.

What is it that you need. What is it that you need, what is it that you need and how can you give it to yourself. You’ve made it through and I’m so fucking proud of you. You’ve made it through, and here we are, safe and clear and bright and strong. Breathing, bearing, and feeling. And. And we’ve made it through. We’ve gotten to the otherside, and this is the gift at the end of the rainbow. This is what we’ve always been searching and yearning and praying for. This is the reason. This is the why, this is what we do it for what what it’s all for. This is how we see ourselves through.

Give yourself what you need, you fucking deserve it. You are worthy beyond comprehension. You are the godsend. The Godself that holds you and sees you in all your ways. In the truth of all parts of your being. You are truth and you are here and you’ve made it home. And there’s not a more beautiful place to be. You’ve made it. You’ve made it through and I’m so proud of you.

-

Now come the questions. If I’ve made it through, then where am I? What is this space? What is this energy? And how is this the light at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the rainbow, if I still feel slightly off kilter, not entirely complete? What more am I missing?

This feels like the space within. The dark, foreign, untapped space within. I’ve made it to the hollow realms, and with the brightness of my true heart, my true self, I illuminate these caverns, I find peace and sanctuary and refuge in their vast open expanse. The body knows how to heal. The body and the mind and the soul all know how to heal themselves when we simply step out of the way and allow. Sometimes, the discomfort is essential in order to hold the space for our own healing. The discomfort of allowing the wounds to be seen and exposed and cleansed and given their space to work their magic of natural healing, is better than continuing to walk on broken glass. The pain of continuing the cycles over and over again, cutting open the wounds to pour in more poison on each time around. It’s dang uncomfortable either way, but one path keeps you trapped, and the other one leads you out and through, on a path of gold, into the infinite expanse of potential.

Now the potential isn’t a limiting factor but instead a gateway into creative heaven. It’s the golden ticket to pure bliss and ecstasy, joy and stability and comfort and peace. As an overall, as a daily and moment to moment experience. It becomes the one constant. The true happiness and joy and delight of your true Being. The caves have opened up and are full of beautiful bright crystals and gems. They are full of life and breath and beauty and wonder. Waterfalls and new life. And, even if you find some caves that are not, maybe some caves hold bats and gouls and sharp jagged stones. Maybe some rooms or caves are so completely empty and bare, they feel impossibly lonely and desolate, full of despair, like at the beginning of this read. The inner light, the inner torch lights and leads the way, the inner expanse of gold and beauty, the inner sanctuary holds the space. So even in the midst of the most immense suffering, we are not alone, for we have the greatest gifts inside, and that is our true pure real love that never goes anywhere or never burns out. And the more we explore, the more we find. The more we find, the more we trust ourselves, without fear. Adventuring within becomes a joy, a pure delight. The more we allow, the more we see, and the more we see, the more we have choice and say in what it is that we wish to experience and go towards. We have extra tools and more bravery. We have confidence and strength and fortitude and strong insights and internal compasses, and most importantly, a bright shining light to guide our way. No thing outside of us can deter or sway us. No thing can knock us off our ground or form our footing. No thing can penetrate or break us down when we are so incredibly invincible from the inside out.

Resilient, capable, brave, joyous, peaceful warriors of spirit. In dedication to living life to its fullest, and carrying our lessons and strengths, our gifts and our love forward with us through ever incarnation and parallel reality.

This is the truth as I speak it, and this is what I live for. Thank you for going on this journey and for many more to come. Thank you for your bravery and commitment to yourself. With honor, reverence and respect, I bow to you and the love within,

I love you so completely.

And so it is,

Annika ♥️